I succumbed to utter ridiculousness.

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I don't know how to interpret this, but the moustache is dead on.

So I'm not Mother Theresa. Is anyone *really* that shocked?

Wings of Hypocrisy

This is a catchy title, but it's actually a recipe in honor of my friend Hippie Killer.

Sister Morpheme's HotWings of Hypocrisy

Baked, not fried, so rationalize at will. They are still horribly, horribly bad for you.

Liberally coat two half sheet pans with vegetable oil. Spread 3lbs. of frozen wings (sectioned, not whole) on pans in a single layer. Bake at 375 degrees for an hour, turning once. Crank up to 425 for an additional 10 min. or so to crisp. Toss with Going to Hell Sauce (see recipe below). Note: Wings should have an internal temperature of 165 degrees.

Going to Hell Sauce
1/2 stick butter or margarine
2 Tbsp olive oil
3-6 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 c. Red Hot (original, please)
juice & zest of one orange
1/3-1/2 c. honey

Melt butter over low heat. Add olive oil and allow to heat for 30 seconds. Add garlic and sautee until fragrant and starting to soften, approx. 2 minutes. Add Red Hot, orange juice, zest, and honey and simmer for 10-15 minutes over low heat, stirring occasionally.

Best enjoyed while drunk to alleviate any guilt over caloric intake. While you're binge-ing (that word just doesn't look right unhyphenated), chow some celery & carrot sticks to further the illusion that you're not doing anything bad. Serve with bleu cheese dip (recipe upon request).

All measurements are approximate. I don't measure anything.

Welcome Back: a comment on nutrition

I would like to begin with a disclaimer: I am *not* a health-food nut.

I eat healthily, for the most part, but acknowledge the existence of coffee, beer, and chocolate as the missing food groups.

That said, I need to scream it to the world that I am sick and tired of watching kids eat nothing but crap. (Should have typed it in caps, no?) It is well-documented: the vast majority of behavioral problems and attention deficit can be traced to nutrition, or more accurately the lack thereof. Did you know that school lunch systems are not held to the same levels of accountability as other institutions? I distinctly recall the time I was in my former district, idly checking out the middle school lunch menu (which evidently must list the federal requirements). It mentioned something about x servings of fruit & vegetables, milk as an offered beverage, and x amount of servings from the MEAT AND STARCH GROUP. Whazzzah? Since when does squishy nasty white bread with sawdust in it (ester of wood rosin--look it up) become the nutritional equivalent of 3 oz. of lean meat?

While you ponder that, I'll hit you with this next one: the lunches students bring from home are CONSIDERABLY worse than any starch-laden school meal. Have you ever heard of Lunchables? They are insanely popular in the under-12 set thanks to copious marketing. They are also the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick and a slab of lard. Yes, children's nutrition is so abysmal that they are marketing shakelike nutritional substitutes for kids who won't eat fruits, vegetables, and healthy protein sources. Since when do kids get to choose their menu? If left to eight-year-olds, foodstuffs would invariably be limited to ice cream, cold cereal, and all things blue.

Where is this going? Well, I see the effects of poor nutrition file in every day, act out, struggle to focus and learn, then go home to even worse nutrition. Student behavior is markedly worse on Mondays and after holidays, because of poor eating & sleep patterns. This is a communtiy problem. When we first moved here two years ago, students were allowed to buy soda from a machine right there in the school. The whole school is permitted free breakfast & lunch, but the lunch ladies sold Hot Fries, Funyons, and those giant three-foot Pixie Stix that double as a weapon. The Kindergarteners bought them daily and their post-lunch trek back to class was like the presentation of the color guard in a parade. After a heated debate spurred by my Bitter Half, the soda machine was changed over to a water and Powerade machine and unplugged during the school day. After many complaints, the Pixie Stix went by the wayside, much to the dismay of the bullies, who would beat the tar out of anyone in a three-foot range with them. Last year saw the end of the rest of the junk food at lunch, but the lunch ladies started up again in the winter months with selling cheap powdered hot cocoa, which the older kids would buy at the last minute & bring back to class with them. I would then appear for my scant 40 minutes of art time to find my 6th graders sipping cocoa (which they would nurse through the whole class) , which they kept on their tiny writing desks, which were sub-optimal art surfaces to begin with. I had to be the heavy and override their classroom teacher's decision: "Please, no eating or drinking during art class." Horrors! What a meanie!

This year, we lobbied to get the Powerade machine booted. These are not professional athletes; these are seven-year-olds with red moustaches from the 3.5 servings of sugar water they just ingested. There will be no sales of additional snacks at lunchtime. The concessions stands must offer equal amounts of healthy food and crap. There will be no more strawberry milk given at lunch. There will be no candy sales for fundraisers and the like. Lastly, the teachers are being highly encouraged to follow my hubby's lead and have "healthy-snack" parties, in lieu of the sugar-shock-o-ramas of the past. If this sounds like a joykill, envision chips & salsa instead of cupcakes, fruit & veggie trays rather than lollipops...the possibilities are limitless. Hell, I brought grapes, popcorn, and dry cereal (amazingly popular) for a movie party for some fifth graders & they loved it.

I know...many of you are thinking that *we* lived on Tang and Happy Meals and turned out just fine...right? Yes, many of us did, and we're close to okay, but the additives in the foods are increasing exponentially, much less unprocessed food is being consumed (how many kids come home & eat an apple for a snack?), and yes, this generation is mostly sedentary. Truth be told, I don't think the obesity "epidemic" is the real problem--just the most visible aspect. Most of these kids will be less fat once they realize upon hitting dating age that excess poundage is not easily forgiven by the opposite sex. They may not be able to shake the nutritional habits, though, and the toxins that accrue may poison their bodies and minds into adulthood. In the meantime, I am condemned to another year of fighting battles beyond my control. Welcome to the new school year.

Redneck Magnetism, or Yet More MagPo

Sister languishes with ennui
She ain't reached for her chicken fingers
The smell of the bug zapper gilds the trailer
I endeavor to understand

It is an obdurate din in this domicile
Would this here woman
love that fish tattoo on his back?
My kin married a cheat


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Rumor has it my readership is up to 3.
Yippee.

Anxiety redux

Never have I felt such anxiety about going back to school. I dread it. Usually I'm feeling unrealistically optimistic by this time, and it's not shattered until the first or second week. Granted, I am not feeling particularly productive as of late; a little structure would certainly behoove me...but I almost wish my Bitter Half would receive word that they're expediting his application and we'll have to move ASAP. I'd like to settle in somewhere and just act like I never was a teacher, maybe get a job in a totally unrelated field or just do art full time. No one would ever have to know that I taught and thus wouldn't bug me to Get Involved with the youth of the community. Hell, if I move, I could just make up a background. I'm sure people do it all the time, but I never had the desire (or the chutzpah) to attempt it.

Mmm, think of it...I wouldn't have to look conservative to be considered upstanding enough to teach...I could be seen walking into a bar and no one would flinch...I could be heard uttering an obscenity and it wouldn't make the local gossip rounds...I could get a visible tattoo. Bliss.